she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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