Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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