Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
