You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
