i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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