Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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