Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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