Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
