I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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