that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
