My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
