You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
