just tell him i said nine months
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
