You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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