My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
