Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
