for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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