Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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