i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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