So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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