Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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