i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
