she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
