cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it was like eating out sand paper
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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