Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
