if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
