I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
