If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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