the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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