I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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