I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
