I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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