Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
