Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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