I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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