Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
