This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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