Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
