I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
