Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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