Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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