My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
