in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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