i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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