i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
