Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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