his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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