I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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