i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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