her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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