My cat gives me a boner
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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