its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
