oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
